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AND WE’D *JUST* MET A GIRL NAMED MARIA

We’ve got three new employees. Let’s get to know them.

First, there’s Clarissa Golden.

As a hobby, she says she’s into “baking and refurbishing furniture.” So, Clarissa, can you bake us up a stylish divan? Says she can’t live without her hairbrush, and we believe her. (Were this claim to come from Blanca on OITNB, we’d be skeptical.) Finally, as a youngster, she says she aspired to be the best version of herself. Wuh-zow! My youthful aspiration was to get my whole fist in my mouth.

Next, we give you Daryl Draper.

He’s a controversial character, even by Ashton Tiffany standards. Says his favorite food is mocoto. The main ingredient in that is cow’s feet. And the main ingredient in cow’s feet is feet. Next, his favorite movie is “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.” That’s right…the one with the teddy bears, the one that’s aged about as well as “Corvette Summer.” But, you know, Leia in a bikini covers a host of sins. Now here’s where it gets really weird. He says the farthest destination he’s traveled to is Brazil. And he says that his dream vacation would be to…Brazil. Finally, growing up he dreamt of being a good husband and father. Again, I have to take a critical look in the mirror: As a young shaver, I dreamt of spitting off the Empire State Building.

Batting third, we have Sarah Rusnak.

Sarah’s from Chicago. (With a name like Rusnak, where else is she going to be from?) Her favorite band is Five Finger Death Punch. This raises a number of important questions. Does the thumb count as a finger, or does the death punch involve four fingers on one hand and one finger on the other? Are death punches ever delivered with fewer than five fingers? What’s scarier: (1) a five-finger death punch; or (2) the five point palm exploding heart technique? (Talk amongst yourselves.) Growing up, Sarah wanted to be a hair dresser. Me? I wanted to burp the alphabet backwards. I never got past “P” before running out of burps, but Sarah blew by salon row and landed at Ashton Tiffany. There’s a lot of unfortunate hair out there as a result—some of it ours—but we’re happy that Sarah’s with us.

Welcome, you three! Piping hot mocoto awaits you in the lounge. (Try to ignore the cow in the wheelchair.)

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