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Those overdribbling underwriters across town are through

Due to circumstances well within our control, there’s been a backlog of new employee introductions. Today we recklessly switch metaphors, break up the plaque, and get the blood flowing again.

First up, at point guard, we’ve got Megan Bradley, who recently joined our nurse triage program.

Megan provided us with the most romantic quote of the year so far, saying that her dream vacation is “anywhere with my husband.” (Fact-checkers, please verify. Specific test sites should include Caracas, Mogadishu, and Zaranj.)

Despite being a health professional, Megan loves her an gyro. As for “social,” she wants you to know that she doesn’t use Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. She does dabble, however, in YouTube, WhatsApp, WeChat, QQ, Tumblr, Tik Tok, Groink, Splishy, Reddit, HotFace, Sprist, OhWouldYouPlease, Snapchat, Viber, Pinterest, Zince, and Goof Drone.

Finally, the one thing Megan says she can’t live without is kindling. Definitely important. (Fact-checkers, please verify that this isn’t the e-reader issue again.)

At shooting guard, from the green mountain land of Bernie, Jerry, and Ben, we give you Michelle Carter.

Michelle can’t whistle, but if she could she’d summon her good friend and faithful traveling companion, Tater, for their next journey. Where might they go? Probably not to the extremely specific destination of Pescara, Italy, because Michelle has already been there. (That’s as far from home as she’s gotten.)

We asked Michelle about her favorite movie, and she said the word “love” followed by the word “actually.” So, was she was making an unexpected reference to the gripping 2005 Sergij Trifunovic film, or talking about the treacly Hugh Grant thing? We don’t know, but we know Tater doesn’t care, and that’s good enough for us.

Finally, Michelle grew up wanting to be a teacher, and she’s already taught us so much. Here’s a polished apple for you, Chelle. (Honeycrisp, of course, not one of those ironically named Red Deliciouses.)

At power forward, let’s have a hand for Thomas Partin.

Yes, kinda like Dolly. No, not the sheep.

Thomas was born in Tucson, Arizona, home to the #2 university in the whole state! He says he loves seafood, and has tried some crazy stuff. We casually asked if he’d ever been to Fiskfelagid, the great little hakarl joint in Fáskrúðsfjörður. Shut that conversation right down.

TP’s favorite movie is The Hustler. Yes, before there was, “Charlie bit my finger,” there was, “They broke my thumbs.” That was greatness.

And here’s an interesting first for Ashton Tiffany: Thomas used to be a private detective. We probably don’t need to warn you, TP, but watch yourself around the blond dame with the gams. You need her like a parrot needs a pea shooter.

At small forward, give it up for Rich Heuer.

Rich is from Buffalo, and wants you to know that the thing you’ve been calling a buffalo all these years is actually a bison (*figuratively adjusts glasses*). Rich is a regular guy: favorite food is a hot dog, favorite movie is Caddyshack. His one indulgence is that he has both a pool and a pond.

Rich’s dream vacation is skiing. Not coincidentally, he says he can’t live without Chapstick. He is one of an estimated seven people who will get the Suzy Chapstick reference in this sentence. Finally, he once scuba dived—scuba dove?—and saw a rare Greenland shark. We can’t wait to hear the story.

Anchoring the whole thing at center, and bringing both a post-up game and touch from the perimeter, we give you Crew Warner.

“Crew” is an acronym for Christyan-Raygynn Elizabeth Warner. Jane Doe, she is not.

Her favorite movie is Perks of Being a Wallflower. (Proofreaders, please see what CMOS says about “perks” vs. “perqs.”) Favorite band? Blink 182. Say it ain’t so, Crew! But she probably knows her business better than we: She writes and sings songs, and remains a major inspiration for Lisa Loeb.

Crew grew up wanting to be a marine biologist, and her favorite quote is, “Remember who you wanted to be.” Storm clouds: We fear that one day Crew will have to choose between Ashton Tiffany and the quest to save Somniosus microcephalus. You know what we say? Hakarl forever!

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