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It Takes Both Kinds

Pontiac, Michigan. A dying city, emblematic of a dying industry, namesake of a dying brand. Ironically, this city revitalized a long-dormant function at Ashton Tiffany: senior executive assistant. That position was recently assumed by Sarah Fink, Pontiac’s favorite daughter:

It’s not just the city, either. Her parents also give her 3½ stars.

The senior executive assistant position had been vacant for some time. The result? An unkept gate: There was nothing to stop the barbarian hordes from making their way to Messrs. Ashton and Tiffany, whose only line of defense was, “Get out. We’re contagious.”

No longer. Sarah Fink is now on that wall, cool as a cat, dangerous as a dragon.

Sarah’s biographical details are a bit odd, as if fabricated by an alien trying to pass as human.

She says her favorite leisure activity is reading. That’s right, she claims to read for pleasure.

Her favorite food, she says, is sugar. Yeah, and mine is flour. Oh, and also nutmeg. Nothing to see here.

Says her favorite band is Gillie Eilish. This appears to be an anagram for, “Hi, I gel lilies,” which is totally something an alien would do (for food or renewable rocket fuel or space gun ammunition or whatever).

Says her favorite sport is hiking. Of course. Because who can forget the classic hiking championships of…uh… Of never. Hiking isn’t a sport.

Finally, when asked to produce her favorite quote, she said, “Each moment is all that we need.” Really? What about waffles?

We like Sarah. We feel lucky to have Sarah. But if we’re being honest, she makes us a bit nervous. That, though, is part of her job.

Next up, Alice Zeller, our newest triage nurse.

Alice could give Sarah some tips on blending in.

Favorite movie? Avatar, the highest grossing film in history.

Favorite sport? Football, the most popular pastime in America.

Favorite musician? Paul McCartney, front man for the most beloved band ever.

You see what I’m saying. If someone tells you, “I like Avatar, football, and Paul McCartney,” you don’t say, “Oh, you’re the one.”

Alice would say, though, that she can get Red Bull-and-Coke on you from time to time. Her favorite hobby is quilting. No, it’s not dangerous, but really, how many people do you know who can quilt? Or who can do it well?

Then there’s the weirdest food she ever ate: oxtails. This is not only gastronomically adventurous, it represents good stewardship of the planet. You’d think the tail would go in the garbage. Instead, it went in Alice’s tummy.

Finally, she’s from New Jersey. And as any Jerseyite will tell you, when you’re from Jersey, it’s you against the world.

Well, almost. Because Sarah and Alice are Team AT now, it’s us against the world.

The world is gonna lose.

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