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it’s march, but this isn’t our final four

We’ve got four new employees loaded up in the confetti cannon, ready to rain down goodness all over you.

Our first man is Adam. (Stephenson.)

A free-thinker who’s not afraid to court controversy, Adam says his favorite food is chicken. Edgy. But don’t put him in a box: He’s got an MBA, a love of the sweet science, and a passion for video games. Adam tells us he’s not as serious as he seems, which we’ve learned is far better than being more serious than you seem. (With those people, you end up doing a lot of this: “Sorry about filling your donut with mayonnaise. We thought you’d find it funny.”)

Next, Lauren Scardello.

When Lauren interviewed for her member services position, we asked her how much experience she had doing this kind of work. She said, “None! And I’m ready to put that experience to work for you.” Attitude goes a long way around here, so we hired her.

Lauren has eaten eel. Good for her. Eels are the focus of evil in the modern world. (Take all the bad stuff about snakes, then drop that into a medium in which humans are essentially helpless.)

Her favorite movie is Almost Famous. Her favorite band is Vampire Weekend. Her favorite book is Little Women. Her favorite food is Pumpkin Cheesecake. This format may seem constraining, but it still allows for many good choices, as you can see.

Finally, Lauren was a theater kid, and we found this fun little head shot of her from that era.

Next is Michael Ryan:

He’s more Irish than St. Patrick drinking Bushmills on the Titanic. He holds the distinction of being the first native Phildelphian not to be off-putting. Michael’s favorite food is red hot chili peppers, and his favorite band is Salmon. (Fact-checkers, please give that one a second look.)

In his new role in Ops, his Hydroflask is always strapped to his belt, he’s PPE’d from head to toe, and he carries a clipboard that quietly conveys authority. But he’s still so approachable! Just like you and me.

Finally, and winning my vote for the coolest name in Ashton Tiffany history, is Mackenzie Fugatt.

Like Lauren, she also showed up a little green, telling our recruiters, “I’m eggs, diced ham, and onion. Let’s make an omelet.” And darn it if we didn’t grab a bowl and a wire whip.

Mackenzie knows CPR and first aid, which is cool, even though we’re an OSHA model workplace. But boy, back in the day: fingers severed by dollar-store paper cutters, tongues caught in the whirling mixer blades of Cookie Tuesday, interns succumbing to ditto machine fumes, etc. Risk management was the wild west back then.

Mackenzie’s favorite leisure activity—and we’re quoting here—is “baking or watching horror movies.” Okay, then, ours is “origami or chainsaw sculpting.”

Mackenzie says her favorite movie is IT. (You hear that, Wes? You and the Nerd Herd are gaining some traction in popular culture.)

Finally, she says her favorite inspiring quote is anything from The Lorax. Yes, it’s a gold mine, and we unearthed this nugget:

I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees. The trees are consumed by an angry disease. If we’re not careful, they’ll puncture our lungs. They’ll cut off our noses and rip out our tongues. They’ll gorge on our innards ‘til the last of us dies, then chew on our skin like a cloud of black flies. They’ll kill all our kinsmen and ravage the land, and grind our dry bones into piles of white sand.*

Inspirational words, indeed.

Welcome, you four.

*Not actual words from The Lorax.

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