Have you ever been a fan of a band that lost an original member? Then another? Then another? And pretty soon there were no original members left? Was it even the same band anymore? Were you even a fan at that point?
Given what just happened at Ashton Tiffany, we’re going to break the fourth wall and answer those rhetorical questions with a non-rhetorical “Hell yes.” Why? Because we onboarded five new employees last week. That’s enough fresh blood to make a Tarantino film.
We’ll introduce you to everyone in a moment. Before we do, though, a disclaimer: When you’re one of five, you don’t get the full bio treatment. There just aren’t enough microtargeted jokes and self-congratulatory references to go around.
(No complaints, please. You could have staggered your starts. You chose not to.)
The first of our quintet is Aaron “Don’t Call Me” Scherle, a corporeal expression of NAFTA: child of Canada, resident of the U.S., lover of Mexican food. He’s our communications czar, so we recently ripped off a joke from “L.A. Story” and asked him, “Is it true you’re taking a course in conversation?” His response: “Yes.” And that was that.
Next is Klaudia Gyder, whose Ancestry.com test tube was returned with spit intact and a full refund, because come on, Klaudia Gyder. She says her favorite movie is “The Devil Wears Prada and Mulan.” Mine is, “Some Like it Hot and Tangled.” (And she had the audacity to tell me, “People say you use too many commas.”) Klaudia does business development for us, and lots of it.
Then there’s Isaac Cisneros, loss control consultant. He told us he’s got a half-year’s professional experience. We said, “You don’t want to round that up to one?” He said, “When it actually is one, I will say one.” We liked the precision and honesty of that response. He also said, “I love Dachshunds with a passion.” That wouldn’t have surprised us coming from a Klaudia Gyder‒type, but it did surprise us a bit from Isaac. Okay, so he’s into short legs and long bodies. Everyone has their thing.
Ashley Perkins is a new member services coordinator, and is the granddaughter of Anthony Perkins.* Her favorite food is “my mom’s homemade cherry pie.”(You see that, Mom? You can’t call it “yours” if you get it at IHOP.) Ashley likes Justin Timberlake, but we’ll forgive her because she also digs hoops and New Zealand. Speaking of which, she and Jay-Vay might just be soul mates. (Scroll down. You’ll see what we’re talking about.) She believes in dreaming big…but she came to work for us anyway. For that, we offer a stately bow.
Finally, there’s Jacob Johnson. He could trade on the whole Jake Johnson thing, but he doesn’t. Why? He’s his own man. You want proof? His favorite band—Dan and Shay—sounds like a couple of college buddies you’re meeting for drinks. What else? Normally when we ask people their favorite food, they give us a cuisine, e.g., Italian. Sometimes they’ll give us a specific food item under the broad umbrella of that cuisine, e.g., lasagna. But Jacob skipped the forest and went straight for a leaf: “In-N-Out Double Double.” That attention to detail will come in handy in his new job in Claims, and in providing a buttery soft transition to the antepenultimate paragraph in this post.**
Welcome, one and all. Now let’s do a hiring freeze and give this tired newsfeed some R&R.
*Not true. But falsely claiming we had a Hemingway on staff got us some notice, so we went back to that well.
**Some people use the word “penultimate” as if it simply meant “ultimate.” They are among history’s greatest monsters. “Penultimate” means “the one before the last one.” (And “antepenultimate” means the one before that.)