it’s march, but this isn’t our final four

We’ve got four new employees loaded up in the confetti cannon, ready to rain down goodness all over you.

Our first man is Adam. (Stephenson.)

A free-thinker who’s not afraid to court controversy, Adam says his favorite food is chicken. Edgy. But don’t put him in a box: He’s got an MBA, a love of the sweet science, and a passion for video games. Adam tells us he’s not as serious as he seems, which we’ve learned is far better than being more serious than you seem. (With those people, you end up doing a lot of this: “Sorry about filling your donut with mayonnaise. We thought you’d find it funny.”)

Next, Lauren Scardello.

When Lauren interviewed for her member services position, we asked her how much experience she had doing this kind of work. She said, “None! And I’m ready to put that experience to work for you.” Attitude goes a long way around here, so we hired her.

Lauren has eaten eel. Good for her. Eels are the focus of evil in the modern world. (Take all the bad stuff about snakes, then drop that into a medium in which humans are essentially helpless.)

Her favorite movie is Almost Famous. Her favorite band is Vampire Weekend. Her favorite book is Little Women. Her favorite food is Pumpkin Cheesecake. This format may seem constraining, but it still allows for many good choices, as you can see.

Finally, Lauren was a theater kid, and we found this fun little head shot of her from that era.

Next is Michael Ryan:

He’s more Irish than St. Patrick drinking Bushmills on the Titanic. He holds the distinction of being the first native Phildelphian not to be off-putting. Michael’s favorite food is red hot chili peppers, and his favorite band is Salmon. (Fact-checkers, please give that one a second look.)

In his new role in Ops, his Hydroflask is always strapped to his belt, he’s PPE’d from head to toe, and he carries a clipboard that quietly conveys authority. But he’s still so approachable! Just like you and me.

Finally, and winning my vote for the coolest name in Ashton Tiffany history, is Mackenzie Fugatt.

Like Lauren, she also showed up a little green, telling our recruiters, “I’m eggs, diced ham, and onion. Let’s make an omelet.” And darn it if we didn’t grab a bowl and a wire whip.

Mackenzie knows CPR and first aid, which is cool, even though we’re an OSHA model workplace. But boy, back in the day: fingers severed by dollar-store paper cutters, tongues caught in the whirling mixer blades of Cookie Tuesday, interns succumbing to ditto machine fumes, etc. Risk management was the wild west back then.

Mackenzie’s favorite leisure activity—and we’re quoting here—is “baking or watching horror movies.” Okay, then, ours is “origami or chainsaw sculpting.”

Mackenzie says her favorite movie is IT. (You hear that, Wes? You and the Nerd Herd are gaining some traction in popular culture.)

Finally, she says her favorite inspiring quote is anything from The Lorax. Yes, it’s a gold mine, and we unearthed this nugget:

I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees. The trees are consumed by an angry disease. If we’re not careful, they’ll puncture our lungs. They’ll cut off our noses and rip out our tongues. They’ll gorge on our innards ‘til the last of us dies, then chew on our skin like a cloud of black flies. They’ll kill all our kinsmen and ravage the land, and grind our dry bones into piles of white sand.*

Inspirational words, indeed.

Welcome, you four.

*Not actual words from The Lorax.

The (Iron) Butterfly Effect

Have you ever been a fan of a band that lost an original member? Then another? Then another? And pretty soon there were no original members left? Was it even the same band anymore? Were you even a fan at that point?

Given what just happened at Ashton Tiffany, we’re going to break the fourth wall and answer those rhetorical questions with a non-rhetorical “Hell yes.” Why? Because we onboarded four new employees last week. That’s enough fresh blood to make a Tarantino film.

We’ll introduce you to everyone in a moment. Before we do, though, a disclaimer: When you’re one of four, you don’t get the full bio treatment. There just aren’t enough microtargeted jokes and self-congratulatory references to go around.

(No complaints, please. You could have staggered your starts. You chose not to.)

First up is Klaudia Gyder, whose test tube was returned with spit intact and a full refund, because come on, Klaudia Gyder. She says her favorite movie is “The Devil Wears Prada and Mulan.” Mine is, “Some Like it Hot and Tangled.” (And she had the audacity to tell me, “People say you use too many commas.”) Klaudia does business development for us, and lots of it.

Then there’s Isaac Cisneros, loss control consultant. He told us he’s got a half-year’s professional experience. We said, “You don’t want to round that up to one?” He said, “When it actually is one, I will say one.” We liked the precision and honesty of that response. He also said, “I love Dachshunds with a passion.” That wouldn’t have surprised us coming from a Klaudia Gyder‒type, but it did surprise us a bit from Isaac. Okay, so he’s into short legs and long bodies. Everyone has their thing.

Ashley Perkins is a new member services coordinator, and is the granddaughter of Anthony Perkins.* Her favorite food is “my mom’s homemade cherry pie.”(You see that, Mom? You can’t call it “yours” if you get it at IHOP.) Ashley likes Justin Timberlake, but we’ll forgive her because she also digs hoops and New Zealand. Speaking of which, she and Jay-Vay might just be soul mates. (Scroll down. You’ll see what we’re talking about.) She believes in dreaming big…but she came to work for us anyway. For that, we offer a stately bow.

Finally, there’s Jacob Johnson. He could trade on the whole Jake Johnson thing, but he doesn’t. Why? He’s his own man. You want proof? His favorite band—Dan and Shay—sounds like a couple of college buddies you’re meeting for drinks. What else? Normally when we ask people their favorite food, they give us a cuisine, e.g., Italian. Sometimes they’ll give us a specific food item under the broad umbrella of that cuisine, e.g., lasagna. But Jacob skipped the forest and went straight for a leaf: “In-N-Out Double Double.” That attention to detail will come in handy in his new job in Claims, and in providing a buttery soft transition to the antepenultimate paragraph in this post.**

Welcome, one and all. Now let’s do a hiring freeze and give this tired newsfeed some R&R.

*Not true. But falsely claiming we had a Hemingway on staff got us some notice, so we went back to that well.

**Some people use the word “penultimate” as if it simply meant “ultimate.” They are among history’s greatest monsters. “Penultimate” means “the one before the last one.” (And “antepenultimate” means the one before that.)


Imagine Ashton Tiffany were producing its own independent film. The female lead would be a young woman from the streets of Chicago. She’d like pizza, dancing, basketball, FASB conferences—the normal stuff.

You’d need the right name for a character like that.

Roxie Hart? Fiona Ryan? Jessie Vega? Denise Swerski?

Wait a minute, go back. What was the third one? Jessie Vega. Jes-sie Vay-ga. Jay-Vay. Jessie Vega… (nodding slowly).

Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? We thought so, too, which is why we hired Jessie as the newest member of our august accounting group. Jessie can stare at a screen full of numbers for hours on end, finding otherwise hidden patterns. It’s impressive to see.

Sometimes, though, just for fun, we’ll bring in a random little brother to try to break her concentration: “Eighteen… four-and-a-half… eleventy-hundred… February… negative banana point six… Capricorn… infinity times ten… Albuquerque… Does this bug you? Am I bugging you?”

As good as she is with numbers, Jessie somehow managed to botch this question: “What’s one thing you can’t live without?” Her answer: “Family and friends.”* That’s two things. (HR, please make a note for her file.)

Jessie’s been to Africa, she’s been to Iceland, and she longs to go to New Zealand. Not just yet, though. There’s an epic holiday party to attend in a matter of weeks, where there will be a nice Sauvignon Blanc—one with a chaste kiss of kiwifruit and the faintest echo of Manuka honey.

Welcome, Jay-Vay. The adventure you seek is right here.

*Post-script joke: Once on an Ashton Tiffany corporate retreat, a van driver taking us to the airport asked, “So, are you guys friends?” Answer: “No. We work together.”


It’s easy to forget that Ashton Tiffany, which began its operations in a pillow fort, is now a global behemoth. Don’t believe me? Our two new employees, Jamie Kidd and Karen Crosby, are living proof. They’re redolent of the international.

Let’s start with Jamie:

Jamie was born in the megalopolis of El Paso/Juarez. Two big cities. Two big countries. And the overhead shot is truly impressive:

(To give you a sense of scale, each inch on that photo represents three thousand miles.)

Jamie’s favorite food could be something all-American like Pop Rocks, but it’s not. It’s Italian. (There’s no disputing that bongo is the best thing you will ever put in your mouth. Better than Hamlet’s soliloquy. Anything else is crazy-talk.)

Her dream vacation? Paris. Farthest place she’s traveled? Canada. Childhood aspiration? To be an interpreter at the United Nations.

Jamie doesn’t like to run up the score, so we’ll have her lateral over to Karen. This is Karen:

Karen’s bio touches Mexico (favorite food), Scotland (favorite movie = Braveheart), England (favorite band = Rolling Stones), Ireland (dream vacation), and Norway (favorite constitutional monarchy).

Karen may be a citizen of the world, but there’s one thing about her that’s as American as bald eagles, UFO sightings, and rampant obesity: She’s been a Pittsburgh Steelers fan since 1978.

To you, Jamie and Karen, we say willkommen, bienvenido, kíimak ‘oolal, and hey what’s up? Though the globe is your playground, we hope you always come back home to us.

Wood or Silverware? You Decide

You’ve probably heard the one about the couple on a first date. The guys says, “I’m tired of talking about me. Why don’t you talk about me for a while?”

We’re going to talk about ourselves a little here, but we’re also going to ask someone else to take the baton and run with it. Here’s what we’ll say:

For the fifth year running, Ashton Tiffany was recognized by AZ Central as a Top Company to Work for in Arizona. Official logo in 3, 2, 1…

We are delighted and proud (and most definitely not humbled) to be recognized once again. We work hard to make this a great place to work. We think you spend too much of your life at the office for “work” to be a four-letter word.

Enough of that. We’ll let the AZ Central blurb do the rest of the talking:

Two years ago, the principals of Ashton Tiffany set out to create a work environment where employees were recognized, appreciated and given room to perform their duties in their own style. Employee feedback, input and participation (are) encouraged throughout the year, not just at review time, and everyone has a personal stake in the performance and success of the organization. In this fun and professional work environment, it’s not uncommon to see staff riding a scooter around the office. Employees enjoy regular happy hours, free lunch Fridays and at least one social event each month.

Really gives you a feel for the vibrant, effervescent environment, right? Okay, you probably have to be here (or at least drive by on tailgate day). But we are, as we said, very pleased to have made this list again, and we’ll work hard to stay on it.

You want to get weird? Let’s get weird.

It Takes Both Kinds

Pontiac, Michigan. A dying city, emblematic of a dying industry, namesake of a dying brand. Ironically, this city revitalized a long-dormant function at Ashton Tiffany: senior executive assistant. That position was recently assumed by Sarah Fink, Pontiac’s favorite daughter:

It’s not just the city, either. Her parents also give her 3½ stars.

The senior executive assistant position had been vacant for some time. The result? An unkept gate: There was nothing to stop the barbarian hordes from making their way to Messrs. Ashton and Tiffany, whose only line of defense was, “Get out. We’re contagious.”

No longer. Sarah Fink is now on that wall, cool as a cat, dangerous as a dragon.

Sarah’s biographical details are a bit odd, as if fabricated by an alien trying to pass as human.

She says her favorite leisure activity is reading. That’s right, she claims to read for pleasure.

Her favorite food, she says, is sugar. Yeah, and mine is flour. Oh, and also nutmeg. Nothing to see here.

Says her favorite band is Gillie Eilish. This appears to be an anagram for, “Hi, I gel lilies,” which is totally something an alien would do (for food or renewable rocket fuel or space gun ammunition or whatever).

Says her favorite sport is hiking. Of course. Because who can forget the classic hiking championships of…uh… Of never. Hiking isn’t a sport.

Finally, when asked to produce her favorite quote, she said, “Each moment is all that we need.” Really? What about waffles?

We like Sarah. We feel lucky to have Sarah. But if we’re being honest, she makes us a bit nervous. That, though, is part of her job.

Next up, Alice Zeller, our newest triage nurse.

Alice could give Sarah some tips on blending in.

Favorite movie? Avatar, the highest grossing film in history.

Favorite sport? Football, the most popular pastime in America.

Favorite musician? Paul McCartney, front man for the most beloved band ever.

You see what I’m saying. If someone tells you, “I like Avatar, football, and Paul McCartney,” you don’t say, “Oh, you’re the one.”

Alice would say, though, that she can get Red Bull-and-Coke on you from time to time. Her favorite hobby is quilting. No, it’s not dangerous, but really, how many people do you know who can quilt? Or who can do it well?

Then there’s the weirdest food she ever ate: oxtails. This is not only gastronomically adventurous, it represents good stewardship of the planet. You’d think the tail would go in the garbage. Instead, it went in Alice’s tummy.

Finally, she’s from New Jersey. And as any Jerseyite will tell you, when you’re from Jersey, it’s you against the world.

Well, almost. Because Sarah and Alice are Team AT now, it’s us against the world.

The world is gonna lose.

Echo Papa

To celebrate the arrival of our new legal nurse consultant, Denise Ford, we’ve invited our friend Steve Hemingway to guest-write her bio. Yes, he’s from that Hemingway family. But Steve tells us he has a style all his own.

Here’s Steve with Denise’s bio:


Denise Ford was born in Glendale, California. Glendale is a fine city, with parks and roomy boulevards as pleasant as those in Paris or Havana.

Working as a nurse, Denise had seen many terrible things. But these things did not wreck her. When they pulled her close, when they gave her hell, she reflected on Glendale. This brought her comfort. Sickness and death could not take Glendale from her.

Away from work, she would go to the trattoria. Depending on the season, she might order cioppino or a short glass of Amarone. Always, the owner Lorenzo would bring her a small pastry, perhaps a plate of hazelnuts. There was too little kindness like this in the world, she thought.

In very quiet times, she dreamt of Bora Bora, with its coconut trees, bungalows, and burning blue waters. If only she could get to Bora Bora, things might be different. But there were dogs to feed, and a new job. She loved these things, but they demanded their price.

Today, then, she would not let herself dream. Perhaps tomorrow. Tomorrow was a promise that still might be kept.


All right, so it turns out Steve has a style that’s all someone else’s. But that’s okay! We’ll just call it an homage and let you say hi and good luck to Denise:


Those overdribbling underwriters across town are through

Due to circumstances well within our control, there’s been a backlog of new employee introductions. Today we recklessly switch metaphors, break up the plaque, and get the blood flowing again.

First up, at point guard, we’ve got Megan Bradley, who recently joined our nurse triage program.

Megan provided us with the most romantic quote of the year so far, saying that her dream vacation is “anywhere with my husband.” (Fact-checkers, please verify. Specific test sites should include Caracas, Mogadishu, and Zaranj.)

Despite being a health professional, Megan loves her an gyro. As for “social,” she wants you to know that she doesn’t use Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. She does dabble, however, in YouTube, WhatsApp, WeChat, QQ, Tumblr, Tik Tok, Groink, Splishy, Reddit, HotFace, Sprist, OhWouldYouPlease, Snapchat, Viber, Pinterest, Zince, and Goof Drone.

Finally, the one thing Megan says she can’t live without is kindling. Definitely important. (Fact-checkers, please verify that this isn’t the e-reader issue again.)

At shooting guard, from the green mountain land of Bernie, Jerry, and Ben, we give you Michelle Carter.

Michelle can’t whistle, but if she could she’d summon her good friend and faithful traveling companion, Tater, for their next journey. Where might they go? Probably not to the extremely specific destination of Pescara, Italy, because Michelle has already been there. (That’s as far from home as she’s gotten.)

We asked Michelle about her favorite movie, and she said the word “love” followed by the word “actually.” So, was she was making an unexpected reference to the gripping 2005 Sergij Trifunovic film, or talking about the treacly Hugh Grant thing? We don’t know, but we know Tater doesn’t care, and that’s good enough for us.

Finally, Michelle grew up wanting to be a teacher, and she’s already taught us so much. Here’s a polished apple for you, Chelle. (Honeycrisp, of course, not one of those ironically named Red Deliciouses.)

At power forward, let’s have a hand for Thomas Partin.

Yes, kinda like Dolly. No, not the sheep.

Thomas was born in Tucson, Arizona, home to the #2 university in the whole state! He says he loves seafood, and has tried some crazy stuff. We casually asked if he’d ever been to Fiskfelagid, the great little hakarl joint in Fáskrúðsfjörður. Shut that conversation right down.

TP’s favorite movie is The Hustler. Yes, before there was, “Charlie bit my finger,” there was, “They broke my thumbs.” That was greatness.

And here’s an interesting first for Ashton Tiffany: Thomas used to be a private detective. We probably don’t need to warn you, TP, but watch yourself around the blond dame with the gams. You need her like a parrot needs a pea shooter.

At small forward, give it up for Rich Heuer.

Rich is from Buffalo, and wants you to know that the thing you’ve been calling a buffalo all these years is actually a bison (*figuratively adjusts glasses*). Rich is a regular guy: favorite food is a hot dog, favorite movie is Caddyshack. His one indulgence is that he has both a pool and a pond.

Rich’s dream vacation is skiing. Not coincidentally, he says he can’t live without Chapstick. He is one of an estimated seven people who will get the Suzy Chapstick reference in this sentence. Finally, he once scuba dived—scuba dove?—and saw a rare Greenland shark. We can’t wait to hear the story.

Anchoring the whole thing at center, and bringing both a post-up game and touch from the perimeter, we give you Crew Warner.

“Crew” is an acronym for Christyan-Raygynn Elizabeth Warner. Jane Doe, she is not.

Her favorite movie is Perks of Being a Wallflower. (Proofreaders, please see what CMOS says about “perks” vs. “perqs.”) Favorite band? Blink 182. Say it ain’t so, Crew! But she probably knows her business better than we: She writes and sings songs, and remains a major inspiration for Lisa Loeb.

Crew grew up wanting to be a marine biologist, and her favorite quote is, “Remember who you wanted to be.” Storm clouds: We fear that one day Crew will have to choose between Ashton Tiffany and the quest to save Somniosus microcephalus. You know what we say? Hakarl forever!

Internet Anonymous

Here at the AT newsfeed, what we say matters. Careers can be made or broken, lives elevated or destroyed, all with a simple press of the ENTER key.

Is there risk in what we do? Sure. But we’re used to having danger sit shotgun.

Of course, not everyone wants to join us for that ride. That’s why this week, in introducing you to our two new employees, we’re going to present one bogus biography and one authentic one.

Undoubtedly, you’ll want to know which is which—just as firing squad conscripts want to know who shot the conscience round. But that’s not gonna happen.

First let’s meet our new underwriter and AT culture warrior, Ann Marie Hernandez:

Ever wonder if it will play in Peoria? You can check with Ann Marie, because that’s where she’s from: Peoria, Illinois. (She has zero time for those low-life hooligans in Springfield.)

Ann Marie plays the banjo, and has heard every Deliverance joke you can think of. Try one on her, and she’s liable to drown you out with a little Foggy Mountain Breakdown. You can’t beat her at this game, so you might as well join her. Bring your dobro.

A completely unrelated hobby for Ann Marie—one of the more unusual ones we’ve come across—is butter sculpting. She admits to being a bit of a perfectionist in this pursuit, but says there’s simply no margarine for error.

Her dream vacation is very specific: Whistler, British Columbia. Beautiful place, and an easy target for a juvenile joke: “Whistler? I don’t even know her.”

We hope you make it up to Canada soon, A.M. But maybe hang with us until the spring thaw.

Next up is Krisanne Hudson, our new nurse triage program supervisor:

Krisanne’s from Allentown, Pennsylvania, where the graduations hang on the wall. And Krisanne’s got a slew of them. In fact, there are so many letters after her name, her business card has an extender-flap.

There’s an odd exoskeleton theme working its way through her bio: She loves she-crab soup (when prepared properly), but hates crickets and grasshoppers (no matter how they’re prepared). One reason for the latter may be their nasty habit of spitting. Cobras and alpacas got nothing on them.

Krisanne’s no stranger to expectoration, either—in the face of death, that is. How so? She digs zip-lining and bungee jumping. But who’s surprised? She’s mighty, just like the river that bears her name.

Welcome to Ashton Tiffany, Krisanne. May the crab roe in your soup be as orange as a prison jumpsuit.


Who’s the first person you see when you roll into AT? It’s our new employee, Lauren Mardian:

She likes to wake and bake…muffins! In fact, she wanted to be a baker growing up. But she ended up taking the path of yeast resistance.

Her favorite food is a classic: spaghetti. She’s had octopus, too, with piave confetti. If she wants to get in good with our Operation Screaming Eagle team, she could try this efficiency-enhancing process improvement: spaghetti al polpo. (Combining the two foods results in a net time savings of 42.3 minutes. Plus, should she accidentally overcook the pasta, the rubbery tentacles of the octopus will still produce that delightful al dente mouth feel.)

Here’s something novel about our new hire: She’s a dues-paying member of the Eric Church Choir. (Editor’s note: Eric Church is not a house of worship or a faith community. He’s a country music singer. His fans are in the “choir.”)

Finally, Lauren doesn’t own a TV or computer. (At least that’s what she told our recruiter.) So, is she a fixture at barn-raisings? Or does she just do everything on her smartphone? We don’t know, but we’re looking forward to finding out.

Welcome, Lauren! We’ll have a seat while Mr. Ashton finishes his recap.